Autism Soccer: Siblings and Children with Disabilities: How To Keep Balance at Home

Raising kids with disabilities can be a challenge. Learn how to overcome every difficulty that comes your way!

When there’s a child with special needs in the family, he or she quickly becomes the daily protagonist of their parents’ routine. It’s not hard to imagine why, children with disabilities often tend to take a lot of our time, efforts and thoughts. We always want to give them the best life possible. Their condition will always affect every member of the family differently and one of the individuals most vulnerable, and often neglected by scientific research, are siblings.

As parents, we’ll always want to give equal attention to all of our children, but when one of them depends so much on us, it easily becomes very hard to keep balance. Most of us probably didn’t grow up with siblings that needed special cares, so it can be hard to understand what they’re truly going through. How do they feel about their sibling’s situation? How do they see themselves related to the family? And what kind of responsibilities are put on their shoulders? It’s incredibly important for us to help them have a healthy childhood along with their siblings. It’s up to us to strengthen their bond and cultivate values that will endure for an entire lifetime.

Understand their need for attention

From a very early age, typically developed children will notice the amount of attention we’re paying to the sibling with disabilities. We know it’s hard, but you need to try to spend some quality time alone with them. Play with them, let them help you in the kitchen or simply have a conversation with them. Let them know that it’s perfectly fine to express their feelings. They’ll get jealous and frustrated (especially when they’re too young to understand), so don’t make them feel guilty for emotions that are perfectly normal for their age.

Explain to them why their sibling is different, with simple words. Don’t use euphemisms. Make yourself as clear as you can; you don’t want them to think that their sibling’s condition could be contagious or that it could be simply cured as if it were a broken arm or a scratch. Remind them that fair is not always equal, so even if you can’t spend as much time with them as they wanted, it’s not because you’re being unfair to them. Delegating the work between the father and the mother can be useful, but make sure that you’re also spending time with each one of your kids. They need both of you, not the one who got the role of taking care of them.

Take their feelings seriously

In contrast to their sibling’s special needs, a typically developed child’s problems can seem pretty meaningless. Many kids with siblings with disabilities feel like their issues are not important, so they end up repressing many emotions. They simply don’t want to be a burden. We might even be grateful for their consideration, but the reality is that it could affect their emotional development.

Their goals, dreams, and frustrations are valid. Be sure to let them know that. They can be angry at their siblings, and they can be sad for their situation. Let them express and say what they have in their minds and hearts. Sometimes, they’ll also feel like they have to be perfect for you because they’re the kid who “got lucky,” the one who shouldn’t complain, the one who shouldn’t give their parents any problems, they know they already have many as it is. But they’re just kids. Remind them that you’re not expecting anything extraordinary out of them, you just want them to be their own person and find happiness.

Be careful of the burden on their shoulders

Siblings will often feel like it’s they must look after their sibling with disabilities, and while you can always ask for help, you shouldn’t make them feel like it’s an obligation to do so. They’re probably too young to take care of another person, and it could easily end up being too much of a responsibility for their age.

Even when they’re already teens, they still need to go out and have their own life. Make sure you’re letting them make their own decisions in this regard. Having grown up with a sibling with special needs, they’ll probably have a higher sense of responsibility and empathy, which is really good. But they’ll also feel like they had to grow up faster than everyone else. Perhaps there’s nothing we can do to avoid that, the reality is something we can’t just escape, but we can help them see that they can have fun and that they’re allowed to be tired or say no.

Help them face society and don’t let them get resentful

Let’s face it. Society is hard for those who are different. Children with disabilities will quickly learn this, but so will their siblings. Socializing can get hard when they have to explain that their family is “different,” and they can easily be the target of bullying or mockery. They’ll also find out that their siblings won’t be able to do many of the things they can, not because of the lack of ability, but because the world hasn’t thought about making those activities available for them.

It’s easy to get resentful or even skeptic about the world once they’ve faced how cruel or indifferent people can be. Talk to them about these issues and create situations in which they can prepare an answer beforehand if they ever hear other children making mean comments about their sibling.

Ultimately, communication is the key. Children don’t know that there’s a reason why we’re not paying enough attention to them. If they act as babysitters their entire lives, it will inevitably have an impact on who they are as individuals. Be there for them, it’ll be hard many times, but all they need to know is that they’re not alone and that they’ll always find in you someone they can speak their minds to. Step by step, the road will become easier over time.

Source: Not typical, Rachel Feichter. Kid’s Health.